DOCTOR HOLLYWOOD SMILES REPORT, AKA HSR,
A GRADUATE OF USC
OSTROW DENTAL SCHOOL
IS
TRYING TO
FIGURE HIS WAY OUT
OF A
DARK AND COLD
MEDIEVAL-LOOKING CASTLE,
BY GOING ROOM TO ROOM,
AND
HOPING THAT HE’LL
FINALLY FIND
THE MAIN EXIT,
BUT,
EACH TIME HE ENTERS ONE ROOM,
WHICH INVARIABLY CONTAINS
AN UNEXPECTED
AND MENACING MONSTER...
HE,
SO FAR,
HAS BEEN ABLE TO
EXTRICATE HIMSELF
AND ESCAPE OUT OF
ALL OF THOSE ROOMS,
BUT NO ROOMS YET,
HAVE AN OUTSIDE EXIT!
OKAY...SO,
HE KEEPS ON GOING INTO
A NEW ROOM
AND FINDING
ANOTHER TYPE OF YUCKY LIVING THING,
WHICH WANTS TO
KEEP HIM,
AND MAYBE PLAY (?)
WITH HIM,
SO,
IN THE LATEST ROOM,
WE FIND DOCTOR REPORT
TRYING TO GET AWAY
FROM SOMETHING LARGE
THAT SLITHERS
AND DRAGS ITSELF ON THE FLOOR,
BUT THE ROOM
IS DARK,
SO,
AND
HOPING THAT HE’LL
FINALLY FIND
THE MAIN EXIT,
BUT,
EACH TIME HE ENTERS ONE ROOM,
WHICH INVARIABLY CONTAINS
AN UNEXPECTED
AND MENACING MONSTER...
SO FAR,
HAS BEEN ABLE TO
EXTRICATE HIMSELF
AND ESCAPE OUT OF
ALL OF THOSE ROOMS,
BUT NO ROOMS YET,
HAVE AN OUTSIDE EXIT!
OKAY...SO,
HE KEEPS ON GOING INTO
A NEW ROOM
AND FINDING
ANOTHER TYPE OF YUCKY LIVING THING,
KEEP HIM,
AND MAYBE PLAY (?)
WITH HIM,
SO,
IN THE LATEST ROOM,
WE FIND DOCTOR REPORT
TRYING TO GET AWAY
FROM SOMETHING LARGE
THAT SLITHERS
AND DRAGS ITSELF ON THE FLOOR,
BUT THE ROOM
IS DARK,
SO,
HE CAN’T SEE ANYTHING,
AND HE SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY,
AND BLINDLY,
WALKS,
TOUCHING THE WALL,
AS HE GOES ALONG TO FIND,
ANOTHER DOOR
AND HE SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY,
AND BLINDLY,
WALKS,
TOUCHING THE WALL,
AS HE GOES ALONG TO FIND,
ANOTHER DOOR
TO ESCAPE!...
BUT, NOW,
AS HE
FINALLY FINDS
THE DOORKNOB OF A NEW DOOR,
TO GET OUT OF THIS ROOM,
HE FEELS A
WET AND SLIMY TENTACLE,
BUT, NOW,
AS HE
FINALLY FINDS
THE DOORKNOB OF A NEW DOOR,
TO GET OUT OF THIS ROOM,
HE FEELS A
WET AND SLIMY TENTACLE,
SLITHERING UP HIS LEG,
AND UNDER HIS PANTS,
SO
HE SCREAMS LOUDLY
AND 'HIGH-NOTEY'...
LIKE A SOPRANO,
THEN HE
KICKS THE TENTACLE
WITH HIS OTHER FOOT,
BUT,
ANOTHER TENTACLE GRABS THAT OTHER FOOT,
SO NOW,
HE’S IN A 'BIG VAT'
OF TROUBLE,
BUT FORTUNATELY,
HIS HANDS
FINALLY FIND
ANOTHER DOOR AND DOORKNOB
WHICH LEADS,
YES,
TO ANOTHER ROOM!...
SO,
HE TWISTS THE KNOB,
AND THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN,
LETTING IN A LOT OF LIGHT,
AND UNDER HIS PANTS,
SO
HE SCREAMS LOUDLY
AND 'HIGH-NOTEY'...
LIKE A SOPRANO,
THEN HE
KICKS THE TENTACLE
WITH HIS OTHER FOOT,
BUT,
ANOTHER TENTACLE GRABS THAT OTHER FOOT,
SO NOW,
HE’S IN A 'BIG VAT'
OF TROUBLE,
BUT FORTUNATELY,
HIS HANDS
FINALLY FIND
ANOTHER DOOR AND DOORKNOB
WHICH LEADS,
YES,
TO ANOTHER ROOM!...
SO,
HE TWISTS THE KNOB,
AND THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN,
LETTING IN A LOT OF LIGHT,
WHICH SCARES
AND MAKES
THE SLITHERING AND TENTACLED MONSTER
WRAPPED AROUND HIS LEGS,
QUICKLY LET GO,
WHICH IS A GOOD THING,
SO,
THE DOCTOR HIGH STEPS IT
OUT OF THERE
INTO THE NEXT ROOM,
WHICH HAS ENOUGH LIGHT
TO SEEM LIKE
IT’S OUTSIDE,
BUT IT’S NOT,
HOWEVER...HE’S SO
AND MAKES
THE SLITHERING AND TENTACLED MONSTER
WRAPPED AROUND HIS LEGS,
QUICKLY LET GO,
WHICH IS A GOOD THING,
SO,
THE DOCTOR HIGH STEPS IT
OUT OF THERE
INTO THE NEXT ROOM,
WHICH HAS ENOUGH LIGHT
TO SEEM LIKE
IT’S OUTSIDE,
BUT IT’S NOT,
HOWEVER...HE’S SO
GLAD,
AT LEAST,
TO GET TENTACLE-FREE,
BUT,
WHAT WAITS FOR HIM
IN THE NEW ROOM NOW
IS
A WOMAN SEATED
AT
A TABLE
WORKING WITH
SOME
CARDS!
AND THAT LADY
REMINDS HIM
OF A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND HE
ONCE KNEW!...
NOW, SHE LOOKS UP
AND CONCENTRATES ON THE DENTIST,
AND SAYS,
"WELCOME VISITOR!...
PICK A CARD...
...ANY CARD!..."
THEN,
HE THINKS
CAUTIOUSLY
FOR A SECOND OR TWO...
...THEN...
AT LEAST,
TO GET TENTACLE-FREE,
BUT,
WHAT WAITS FOR HIM
IN THE NEW ROOM NOW
IS
A WOMAN SEATED
AT
A TABLE
WORKING WITH
SOME
CARDS!
AND THAT LADY
REMINDS HIM
OF A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND HE
NOW, SHE LOOKS UP
AND CONCENTRATES ON THE DENTIST,
AND SAYS,
"WELCOME VISITOR!...
PICK A CARD...
...ANY CARD!..."
THEN,
HE THINKS
CAUTIOUSLY
FOR A SECOND OR TWO...
...THEN...
...OH MY...
...NOW...
HIS ATTENTION
TURNS TO
A CREATURE
IN A CORNER NOT TOO
FAR FROM
HIM!...
AND THE SOOTH SAYER LADY
SAYS TO THE DOCTOR,
"OH, DON'T MIND HIM...
HE'S ONLY HUNGRY!..."
HSR THEN TURNS
HIS ATTENTION
BACK TO THE CARDS...
AND HE CHOOSES ONE
AND
TURNS IT OVER...
NOW, THE WOMAN SAYS,
"YOU JUST
PICKED THE CARD THAT
DIRECTS YOU TO
ENTER DOOR NUMBER TWO!"
AND THE DOC ASKS ,
"WELL, WHAT IF
I WANT TO GO
THROUGH
DOOR NUMBER ONE?"
"YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO
COME BACK OUT,
AND GO THROUGH DOOR #2!,
SHE ASSURES...
SO, HE
WALKS SLOWLY
TO
DOOR #2,
AND TRIES TO OPEN THE DOOR,
BUT IT
WON'T BUDGE!...
THEN SUDDENLY,
A TRAP DOOR
OPENS BENEATH HIM
AND
'HITS BOTTOM!'
THEN,
USING SOME OF
HIS RESERVE ENERGY,
HSR GETS UP AND LOOKS
AROUND THE ROOM
AND THERE'S
A WINDOW!...HIP HIP HOORAY!
"MAYBE I CAN ESCAPE
THROUGH THAT WINDOW!"
SO,
...NOW...
HIS ATTENTION
TURNS TO
A CREATURE
IN A CORNER NOT TOO
FAR FROM
HIM!...
AND THE SOOTH SAYER LADY
SAYS TO THE DOCTOR,
"OH, DON'T MIND HIM...
HE'S ONLY HUNGRY!..."
HSR THEN TURNS
HIS ATTENTION
BACK TO THE CARDS...
AND HE CHOOSES ONE
AND
TURNS IT OVER...
NOW, THE WOMAN SAYS,
"YOU JUST
PICKED THE CARD THAT
DIRECTS YOU TO
ENTER DOOR NUMBER TWO!"
AND THE DOC ASKS ,
"WELL, WHAT IF
I WANT TO GO
THROUGH
DOOR NUMBER ONE?"
"YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO
COME BACK OUT,
AND GO THROUGH DOOR #2!,
SHE ASSURES...
SO, HE
WALKS SLOWLY
TO
DOOR #2,
AND TRIES TO OPEN THE DOOR,
BUT IT
WON'T BUDGE!...
THEN SUDDENLY,
A TRAP DOOR
OPENS BENEATH HIM
AND
...NOOOOO!...
HE FALLS
UNTIL HE
THEN,
USING SOME OF
HIS RESERVE ENERGY,
HSR GETS UP AND LOOKS
AROUND THE ROOM
AND THERE'S
A WINDOW!...HIP HIP HOORAY!
"MAYBE I CAN ESCAPE
THROUGH THAT WINDOW!"
SO,
HE MAKES A DASH FOR IT...
BUT THIS THING
JUMPS IN FRONT OF HIM!
NOW
PETRIFIED, HE
SCREAMS AGAIN,
AND RUNS TO
ANOTHER VISIBLE
DOOR
AND
SLAMS IT SHUT
AFTER HE GOES THROUGH IT!
AND EVERYTHING'S QUIET...UNTIL...
HE HEARS SOME SLOW,
BUT,
HEAVY
BREATHING BEHIND HIM..
AND HE TURNS AROUND
AND SEES
ONE SCARY DUDE!
...THEN
HSR HEARS
ONE PERSON OFF
TO THE SIDE SAY,
"HEY...
TRY AND
COME THIS WAY!"
BUT THIS THING
JUMPS IN FRONT OF HIM!
NOW
PETRIFIED, HE
SCREAMS AGAIN,
AND RUNS TO
ANOTHER VISIBLE
DOOR
AND
SLAMS IT SHUT
AFTER HE GOES THROUGH IT!
AND EVERYTHING'S QUIET...UNTIL...
HE HEARS SOME SLOW,
BUT,
HEAVY
BREATHING BEHIND HIM..
AND HE TURNS AROUND
AND SEES
ONE SCARY DUDE!
...THEN
HSR HEARS
ONE PERSON OFF
TO THE SIDE SAY,
"HEY...
TRY AND
...
SO,
HSR SLOWLY
GOES INTO THE ROOM THAT
THIS GUY INVITES HIM
INTO
BUT
IT’S DARK,
AND THAT PERSON IS
TOO MUCH IN
‘THE SHADOWS’ TO SEE,
BUT…
THE GUY ASKS HSR,
“WHAT IS YOUR NAME
AND…
…WHAT IS
YOUR BUSINESS HERE, SIR?”
“I’M DOCTOR REPORT…AND…
I’M JUST TRYING TO GET
OUT OF THIS
DANG MANSION!”
NOW THE GUY SAY,
“I AM TRAPPED IN HERE,
MYSELF, BUT
I JUST CAN’T
GO ANY FURTHER NOW!...
BUT,
I HEAR THAT
THERE MAYBE A WAY OUT!”
“AND WHICH WAY IS THAT,
IF YOU
DON’T MIND
ME ASKING?”
“OKAY, SIR, GO TO
THIS NEXT HALLWAY
AND YOU WILL
GET TO
SOME STAIRS…JUST
GO DOWN TO THE
BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS
AND GO THROUGH
THE ONLY DOOR THERE!”
“THANKS,”
SMILES HSR,
“YOU SURE THAT YOU
DON’T WANT TO
ESCAPE WITH ME?”
“I DON’T WANT TO, SIR…
…I LEARNED MY LESSON!"
NOW,
HE HEADS DOWN THE
HALLWAY AND COMES TO
THE STAIRS, AND THEN
HE LOOKS DOWN…
“OMGOSH!...
THAT’S A
LONG WAY DOWN!”
SO, HE
STARTS HIS DESCENT
AND HE
PASSES BY
SOME HEAVY
SPIDERS AND
COBWEBS
AND
HE SEES SEVERAL RATS SCATTER
AND
HE PASSES BY
A STRANGE PAINTING
ON THE WALL,
AND HE KEEPS GOING
AND OOPS!...
HE SEES
THROUGH A
HOLE IN THE WALL
WHERE
A PERSON IS HAVING
HOLE IN THE WALL
WHERE
A PERSON IS HAVING
CONNIPTIONS!
NOW,
HE WALKS A LITTLE FASTER…
AND IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES,
HE FINALLY
REACHES THE LAST STEP
THEN
HE LOOKS AT
THE DOOR,
AND SLOWLY
TURNS THE KNOB
AND OPENS IT,
AND,
THE DOOR SQUEALS LOUDLY
LIKE IT
MAY BE
WARNING
ANYONE THERE
THAT
THAT
SOMEONE’S ENTERING!...
NOW,
THIS ROOM
IS SORT OF DARK, TOO,
THIS ROOM
IS SORT OF DARK, TOO,
BUT
HE SEES SOME PLANTS
AND THEN OTHER
FOLIAGE,
AND THEN A
WOMAN WALKS UP TO HIM
AND SPEAKS,
"HELLO THERE, SIR!...
PLEASE COME IN...TO MY
MICROBIOLOGICAL EXPERIMENTAL LABORATORY PREMISES!...
...AS WE DELVE INTO OUR
DOUBLE-BLIND STUDIES TOGEHER...
AND SPEAKS,
"HELLO THERE, SIR!...
PLEASE COME IN...TO MY
MICROBIOLOGICAL EXPERIMENTAL LABORATORY PREMISES!...
...AS WE DELVE INTO OUR
DOUBLE-BLIND STUDIES TOGEHER...
…I’LL 'BE STRAIGHT'...
...WITH YOU!...
…AND I HOPE THAT...
...YOU'LL 'BE STRAIGHT'...
...WITH ME!"...
...
"SIR, ALL OF THE
PROTOCOLS ARE SET
AND READY TO
GO FOR
MY EXPERIMENT ON YOU!"
"WA...WAIT," HE PLEADS,
"WHAT EXPERIMENT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?...I DON'T..."
..."NOT TO WORRY!...
THESE PROBES
MIGHT HURT
JUST A
'SMIDGE!'"
AND...
...JUST AT THE EXACT
MOMENT THAT HSR
STARTS TO CRY, "I...I...I...,"
THIS PERSON
WALKS BY THEM
AND SAYS.
"YOUNG MAN...THERE HAS
BEEN A
CHANGE OF PLANS!...PLEASE
WALK WITH ME TO THIS
NEXT ROOM."
SO,
THEY
ENTER INTO
THAT ROOM,
WHEN THIS
WOMAN STARTS TO SPEAK,
"YOU ARE A GREAT SPECIMEN
FOR AN EXPERIMENT, SIR,
BUT,
I NOW WANT YOU...
,,,FOR MYSELF!
I CAN GIVE YOU
EVERYTHING THAT YOU
NEED...ALL HERE IN
THIS ROOM...
FOR...
...ALL OF TIME!...WHAT SAY YOU, SIR,"
SHE ASKS...
"WHY DON'T WE
TALK ABOUT THIS...
...OUTSIDE?" ASKS REPORT...
"THEN THIS WOMAN SAYS
"YOU ARE TO
EITHER STAY HERE AND
BENEFIT
FROM
ALL OF US,
OR
...WALK THROUGH THOSE DOORS!"
"I THINK I'LL WALK,"
SAYS THE DENTIST, AS HE MAKES
A HARD SWALLOW,
THEN,
HE GOES THROUGH THIS
DOORWAY, AND AS HE DOES,
A WOMAN COMES TOWARD HIM
FROM THE SIDE
AND GOES,
"IT'S THE TASTE!"...
...WHICH MAKES HIM LEAVE THE
ROOM FASTER!...THEN...
HE SEES A HALLWAY
WITH SEVERAL OPENING DOORS
AND
HE
CHECKS OUT THE
ROOMS ON
THE SIDES
AS HE
WALKS FURTHER...WOW...
BUT...
...UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM,
SOMEONE OR SOMETHING
WATCHES AND FOLLOWS
HIM
ALL
ALONG THE WAY...
...WHEN...
...AT THE END OF THE
HALLWAY...
...SUDDENLY!...
...YIKES!...
.........
WHICH MAKES THE DENTIST...
FREEZE IN HIS TRACKS!
BUT...NOTHING LIKE A MONSTER,
QUICKLY,
REVEALS ITSELF....
SO, THE DOCTOR
CAUTIOUSLY MOVES ON!...
HEY!...WHAT'S THIS!...
...SOME PEOPLE COME FROM BEHIND SOME DOORS
AND WARN,
"YOU CAN COME INSIDE OUR ROOMS ...
...OR...
...YOU CAN
STAND AROUND
AND
WAIT FOR WHAT'S NEXT!"
AND AT THAT VERY MOMENT,
THE DENTIST SEES A
'THING'
COME THROUGH THE
WALL HOLE
AND STAGGER HIS WAY,
WHICH...PROMPTS HIM TO
BURN RUBBER OUT OF THERE!
AND
AFTER A COUPLE OF LEFTS AND RIGHTS,
HE SEES THE WIND OPEN A SET
OF DOORS!...
NOW...
...HE SLOWLY WALKS IN AND CHECKS
OUT THE PLACE!
SATISFIED NOW THAT
THE ROOM IS EMPTY, HE
BACKS UP INTO A QUIET DARK CORNER
AND STANDS THERE...THEN HE
SLOWLY
SLIDES DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR
AND
HIS EYELIDS BRUTALLY
FORCE THEIR WAY CLOSED
BECAUSE
HE IS SO TIRED!
IN NO TIME FLAT,
HE IS
'OUT OF IT!'
AND NOW,
A PERSONALITY OFF TO THE SIDE SAYS,
"HEY! LET'S HAVE SOME FUN IN THIS
WELL-DESERVED DREAM!...
...HOW ABOUT WE... YEAH...
ACTIVATE AND FEEL
SOMES HELPLESSNESS
AND HOPELESSNESS!...NO?...WELL..
...LET'S DREAM OF OUR SELF
'IN CHARGE'
AND
'ROUGHING IT
IN THE WILD?'...OR...
GETTING DOWN
AT THE CITY'S WILDEST PARTY?...
,,,YEAH!....
...HOW 'BOUT THAT!"
SO,
THE DENTIST'S
SUBCONSCIOUSNESS
WATCHES A
LOVELY DANCER!
NOW,
A WOMAN...
...WHO IS ALSO WATCHING THE DANCER,
SAYS TO HIM,
"THAT WOMAN ALWAYS DANCES LIKE THAT
ALL THE TIME!...SHE THINKS SHE'S CUTE
AND
ALL THAT!"
OKAY...BUT THEN...
THE DOCTOR SENSES
SOME ENERGY FORCE
WALKING ITS WAY OVER TO HIM
AND
IT ASKS THE DENTIST,
"WHY YOU TALKING TO MY WOMAN?"
THAT SUBCONSCIOUS INTERACTION,
RIGHT THERE,
MAKES THE DOCTOR'S 'BOSS ID'
BURST INTO THE DREAM ROOM AND
TELL THE DREAMING DENTIST THAT
HE MUST WAKE UP...NOW...
...RIGHT NOW...AND HE MUST GO OUTSIDE
AND
TRUST THIS PERSON
WHO IS IN THE HALL
WAITING FOR HIM!
This Halloween...
...May you have many...
...(Gulp!)...Smiles!...
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