THE DENTIST,
DR. HOLLYWOOD SMILES REPORT, WITH HIS
EXPLORER SELF, IS IN THE WIDE OPEN
OCEAN, NOT TOO FAR FROM SHORE,
AND HE FINDS THE WRECKAGE
OF THE SPANISH SHIP, THE "SIN NOMBRE,"
WHICH SANK
UNPREDICTABLY, BUT FEW PEOPLE KNEW
THAT IT REALLY CARRIED THE TREASURE
THAT THE NINA, PINTA, AND SANTA MARIA
WERE SUPPOSED TO CARRY...IN CASE THE
PIRATES HIJACKED THE SHIPMENTS!...
BUT ANYWAY, DR. REPORT FINDS MUCHO LOOTO
AND GOLD ON THE SHIP AS IT
RESTS IN PEACE AT THE BOTTOM
OF THE SEA...
AND AS HE INVESTIGATES THE WRECK
HE'S ASTONISHED THAT THERE ARE 'GOODIES'
ALL
OVER
THE PLACE!...
...GOLD AS FAR AS HE CAN SEE!
AND HE TAKES A BIG NUGGET AND
ONE OF THE PALM-OF-THE-HAND-SIZED COINS
TO PROVE THE FINDING,
SO, YOU KNOW THAT IT'S GOING TO
TO PROVE THE FINDING,
SO, YOU KNOW THAT IT'S GOING TO
ATTRACT SOME ATTENTION!...
OKAY...SO, WHEN HE GETS BACK TO TOWN
HE VISITS A BIG-TIME APPRAISER
WHO DEALS IN DIAMONDS
AND GOLD...
AND THE APPRAISER ALMOST FALLS
AND GOLD...
AND THE APPRAISER ALMOST FALLS
OUT OF HIS SEAT WHEN DR. REPORT
SHOWS THE COIN TO HIM!...
"WHERE'D YOU GET THIS?" THE
STUNNED APPRAISER ASKS...
"OH, IN THE OCEAN...A LITTLE BIT
OFF THE COAST," THE DOCTOR LETS ON...
"YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE?"
"MUCH MORE...LOTS MORE!...ALL THREE
FLOORS OF THE SHIP ARE JUST LOADED
DOWN WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF BIG BOOTY!...
BUT MOST OF THE HAUL IS PURE...
BUT MOST OF THE HAUL IS PURE...
...RIGHT OUT THE GROUND!...LIKE THIS!"
SAYS HOLLYWOOD...
"SHEESH!," EXCLAIMS THE APPRISER, "THIS CHUNK,
"SHEESH!," EXCLAIMS THE APPRISER, "THIS CHUNK,
AS IS, CAN PAY MY LEASE IN THIS
BUILDING FOR AT LEAST FOUR YEARS!"
"YEP! AND IT CAN BUY ME A LOT OF HAPPINESS
WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE FOR YEARS
IN ROMANIA AND NORWAY!," COUNTERS HSR...
"WHO DO YOU KNOW IN ROMANIA AND NORWAY?" INQUIRES THE APPRAISER...
"I DON'T KISS AND TELL...ESPECIALLY
WHEN THE KISSES ARE ULTRA-HONEY
SWEET!" HE DREAMILY SMILES...
AND THE APPRISER COUNTERS, "I FIND
THAT THE LADIES FROM ITALY AND
HUNGARY ARE THE MOST
ROMANTICALLY MYSTERIOUS...
...THEY MAKE YOU SEVERELY
...THEY MAKE YOU SEVERELY
ADDICTED TO THEIR LOVE POWERS...
I'LL TELL YOU," HE CONTINUES,
...AS SOON AS THEY
...AS SOON AS THEY
"LET THE CAT OUT THE BAG"...
...IT'S ALL OVER!"
"WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'LL JUST HAVE TO
...IT'S ALL OVER!"
"WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'LL JUST HAVE TO
WAIT UNTIL I GO OVER THERE,
AND FIND OUT FOR MYSELF!" THE DOCTOR SAYS.
"HA HA, YOUNG MAN...WHAT IS YOUR
NAME," ASKS THE APPRAISER...
HE SAYS, "HOLLYWOOD!"
WELL, MR. HOLLY--WOOD...
I CAN OFFER YOU 3 MILLION DOLLARS
IN CASH!
RIGHT NOW!...
FOR THE LOCATION WHERE YOU GOT THIS!
THEN THE DOCTOR MAKES SOME
UNSURE FACES AND SAYS,
"BOY, I AM INCLINED TO SCREAM, "YES!"
" BUT, I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT RIGHT NOW...
...THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH MONEY
"BOY, I AM INCLINED TO SCREAM, "YES!"
" BUT, I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT RIGHT NOW...
...THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH MONEY
TO HAVE ON THE STREETS
IN THIS CITY!...
...BUT I CAN BREAK OFF A PIECE OF THIS NUGGET AND...
...UMMPH!...HERE!...
MAYBE I CAN
120 THOUSAND, FOR YOU AND A LITTLE
IN THIS CITY!...
...BUT I CAN BREAK OFF A PIECE OF THIS NUGGET AND...
...UMMPH!...HERE!...
MAYBE I CAN
CASH THIS
IN FOR SOME WALKING AROUND MONEY
WHAT'S THIS WORTH?...EHH?" ASKS HSR...
THE APPRAISER TAKES A LOOK, PLOPS
SOME CASH ON THE TABLE, AND SAYS..."HERE'S
BIT OF DOWN PAYMENT FOR THE REST!"
"BUT, WHEN WILL YOU LET ME KNOW, MR. HOLLY--WOOD?"
"BUT, WHEN WILL YOU LET ME KNOW, MR. HOLLY--WOOD?"
"I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE NOW,
I'LL GET BACK TO YOU...SOON!" SAYS THE DOC...
"PLEASE DO!...YOU CAN TRUST ME TO DO YOU RIGHT!
"THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR!," SAYS HSR, "OH, CAN I GET THE COIN BACK, NOW?"
"OH EXCUSE ME, SIR...HERE YOU GO!"
"I'LL HOPEFULLY SEE YOU SOON!," PLOTS THE APPRAISER...
"YEAH...SEE YOU SOON..." SAYS HOLLYWOOD...
SO, HE STUFFS THE CASH IN HIS POCKETS,
ALONG WITHE THE COIN AND THE RAW GOLD
AND...
UPON WALKING OUT OF THE BUILDING'S
AND...
UPON WALKING OUT OF THE BUILDING'S
FRONT DOOR, HE SEES A BAR
ACROSS THE STREET...
AND HE MAKES IT ON OVER...
AND ONCE INSIDE, HE TAKES A SEAT
AND HE MAKES IT ON OVER...
AND ONCE INSIDE, HE TAKES A SEAT
AND ORDERS HIS FAVORITE...
ORANGE JUICE WITH HEAVY PULP,
BLENDED WITH ICE AND
TWO CHERRIES ON TOP!
ORANGE JUICE WITH HEAVY PULP,
BLENDED WITH ICE AND
TWO CHERRIES ON TOP!
SO,
HSR PAYS WITH A GENEROUS TIP,
AND TAKES A DEEP SWIG
OF THE JUICE, AND...
OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE,
HE NOTICES THAT
A GUY JUST WALKS IN AND SITS DOWN...
AND HOLLYWOOD THINKS IT'S ONE
A GUY JUST WALKS IN AND SITS DOWN...
AND HOLLYWOOD THINKS IT'S ONE
OF THE APPRAISER'S GUYS
KEEPING A TAIL ON HIM...
SO, THE DENTIST HATCHES A PLAN
TO LOSE HIM...AND...
HE GOES TO THE MEN'S ROOM
AND SEES A WINDOW THAT'S TOO SMALL
TO CRAWL THROUGH, BUT THAT'S OKAY!...
BECAUSE HE IS MOLECULARLY A
HE GOES TO THE MEN'S ROOM
AND SEES A WINDOW THAT'S TOO SMALL
TO CRAWL THROUGH, BUT THAT'S OKAY!...
BECAUSE HE IS MOLECULARLY A
GASEOUS/PLASMA SILICONE HYBRID!...
A HOMO CYBERGRAPHICUS!...
SO, HE OPENS THE WINDOW JUST
A BIT, THEN TURNS INTO GASEOUS SMOKE
AND TRAVELS OUT OF THE WINDOW!...AND
JUST SECONDS AFTER THAT
THE GUY FOLLOWING HIM BURSTS
AND TRAVELS OUT OF THE WINDOW!...AND
JUST SECONDS AFTER THAT
THE GUY FOLLOWING HIM BURSTS
IN THE BATHROOM TO SEE WHAT'S UP...
BUT DR. REPORT IS LONG GONE!
BUT DR. REPORT IS LONG GONE!
SO,
THE GUY RUNS OUT OF THE BAR LOOKING FOR HIM
BUT HE CAN'T FIND HOLLYWOOD
AND WHILE DR. REPORT IS MAKING
BUT HE CAN'T FIND HOLLYWOOD
AND WHILE DR. REPORT IS MAKING
HIMSELF SCARCE,
HE TURNS BACK INTO A MAN, AND
WHILE HE'S WALKING
HE TURNS BACK INTO A MAN, AND
WHILE HE'S WALKING
FAST DOWN THE STREET
HE SEES A FRIEND
"HEY, ARE YOU ARCO-IRIS," HOLLYWOOD ASKS,
HE SEES A FRIEND
"HEY, ARE YOU ARCO-IRIS," HOLLYWOOD ASKS,
"WHAT A SURPRISE!"
"HOW'D YOU KNOW, DOC...I JUST DYED
MY HAIR, SO PEOPLE WOULDN'T NOTICE ME!"
SAYS ARCO, "IT'S BEEN, WHAT, TWO YEARS?"
AND HE ASKS, "I WANT TO GO TO YOUR
PLACE RIGHT NOW...YOU'RE NOT
TOO FAR, RIGHT?"
"I'M RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER...
...WAIT...YOU KNOW THAT YOU
OWE ME, HOLLYWOOD!...
...DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU'RE EAGER
...DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU'RE EAGER
TO LET ME COLLECT...OMG!" LAUGHS ARCO.
SO, THEY GO UP TO HER PLACE AND ONCE
THEY GET IN THE APARTMENT AND
CLOSE THE DOOR
ARCO-IRIS GIVES HIM A HOT-CLOSE HUG,
ARCO-IRIS GIVES HIM A HOT-CLOSE HUG,
THEN LOOKS TO HER
"RHYTHMIC GYMNASIUM,"
THEN LOOKS AT HIM AGAIN...
THEN...
HE SAYS, "I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!"
THEN LOOKS AT HIM AGAIN...
THEN...
HE SAYS, "I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!"
"NO...IT'S TIME FOR SOME ACTION!
LET'S TALK AFTER...IT'S TIME TO RAVISH!"
SMILES ARCO-IRIS,
AS SHE PULLS...
"NO, REALLY...HANG ON FOR
JUST A HOT SECOND," BEGS HOLLYWOOD...
"OKAY, BUT DON'T KEEP ME WAITING!
IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS!" SAYS ARCO, AS SHE
FOLDS HER ARMS AND PAUSES..
"I NEED YOU TO KEEP THIS FOR ME," HE SAYS
AS HE PULLS OUT 10 STACKS OF HUNDIES,
AND THE GOLD COIN AND THE NUGGET,
WHILE HE KEEPS TWENTY
GRAND HIMSELF.
"WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON, DOCTOR,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ALL OF
THAT!" EXCITEDLY ASKS ARCO-IRIS...
"IT'S FROM SOME SUNKEN SHIP TREASURE...
"JUST PUT IT AWAY...IT'S NOT STOLEN...IT'S MINE...
...AND YOU CAN HAVE SOME...BUT JUST HIDE
IT SO NO ONE WILL FIND IT...NOW!" HE DIRECTS.
"ARE SOME PEOPLE
AFTER YOU, HOLLYWOOD?," SHE ASKS...
"MAYBE, BUT I GOTTA GO NOW, SO
THEY WONT BOTHER YOU, I'LL SEE
YOU LATER," HE SAYS AS HE HURRIES
OUT THE ROOM, SLAMMING THE DOOR
BEHIND HIMSELF...
"BON VOYAGE, LUV!...BOY, THAT HOLLYWOOD,"
"BON VOYAGE, LUV!...BOY, THAT HOLLYWOOD,"
SAYS ARCO-IRIS..."ONE DAY, I'MA CORNER HIM,
AND WHEN I DO...I'MA
LET MY CAT
OUT THE BAG!"
OUT THE BAG!"
SO, DR. REPORT RUNS
OUT OF THE APARTMENT,
AND, MAYBE THREE BLOCKS AWAY,
TWO GUYS SEE HIM
AND POINT TO HIM AND START RUNNING TO HIM
AND HOLLYWOOD SEES THIS AND
AND POINT TO HIM AND START RUNNING TO HIM
AND HOLLYWOOD SEES THIS AND
METHODICALLY THREADS THROUGH
HEAVY TRAFFIC AND
INTO THE FIRST STREET BUSINESS DOOR
INTO THE FIRST STREET BUSINESS DOOR
THAT HE CAN FIND,
WHICH IS A
AND WHEN THOSE GUYS RUN INTO
WHICH IS A
AND WHEN THOSE GUYS RUN INTO
THE ESTABLISHMENT LOOKING FOR HOLLYWOOD,
WELL,
YOU KNOW THAT HE'S
ALREADY GONE!
WELL,
YOU KNOW THAT HE'S
ALREADY GONE!
